dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
She swung at the pinata with crutches
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
