After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
We need a shit load of segways right now
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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