now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
How's work?
Spinning.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
