Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
