Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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