??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
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