If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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