Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
