I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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