Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
They have beer where we have blood.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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