His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
So here I am, sexting at work.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
