Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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