he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
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