i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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