broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
