i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
