When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize
