On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
She needs sedatives and a leash
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
