I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
