You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
