rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I think my fart just growled at me.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize