I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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