You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
