She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
