i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
