Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
