dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
