Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize