Just mADE A PArabola og urine
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
