WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
