Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
