hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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