best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
