his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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