i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Randomize
