can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
