Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
