No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
