i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
