I wish i was in the wii world.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
