i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I lost the right to judge tonight
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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