he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Randomize
