Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
