Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
