You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
