i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
