wat bout pragnant strippers??
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
