he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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