Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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