i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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