the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
and you fell through a lawn chair
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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