If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
