I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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