It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
