I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I pour the whiskey from now on
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
