i need an iv and a liver transplant
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize
